I'M
A KLINGON
(sung to the tune of "I'm an A$$h01e" by Dennis Leary)
[spoken]
Recruits, I'd like to sing a song about the Klingon
dream, About me, about you, about how the hearts of
our foes beat in fear in the bottom of their chests,
About that special feeling of terror they get in the
cockles of their hearts, Maybe below the cockles,
maybe in the sub-cockle area, Maybe in the liver,
maybe in the spleen, maybe in the colon... When we're
coming, they'll know.
Oh I'm just a regular guard, with a regular job.
I'm your average klin, a bump-headed slob.
I like batleths, and opera, and vids about war,
I've got an average ship, that does 'bout warp four,
My mate and my House, my crew and my targh,
Got claws on my boots, and a pointy d'ktagh...
But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a warrior interested
(Oh no, no way, unh-uh)
So I've got to go out and have fun
At other races' expense
(Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah...)
I cruise out at impulse, in the warp speed space lanes
Go looking for trouble, and causing some pain
[Chorus]
I'm a Klingon
I'm a Klingon
I chew with mouth open, eating still living meat
I walk around in my armor sayin' "How about this heat?"
[Chorus]
Sometimes I'll attack in Federation spaces
While Federation captains make Federation faces
[Chorus]
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
Naaaaaaa!
[Chorus]
[Spoken]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a K7 battle cruiser,
Imperial Grey with high radiation warp pods and a bunch of smelly
marines
and a big old plasma torpedo tube.
Yeah, and I'm going to cruise that baby at warp nine getting one parsec
to
the dilithium crystal, sucking down squirming gagh in front of weak
stomached Romulan ambassadors, and when I'm done sucking down that
gagh, I'm going to wipe my mouth with the Federation flag and then I'm
going to find some Feddies and hit them with painsticks, and there
ain't a
thing they can do about it, and you know why? 'Cause we got the Zone,
that's why. Two words, Neutral tribbling Zone, okay? The Federation,
the
Romulans, the Cardassians can all have a big alliance cake-walk through
the middle of Organian space and it won't make a difference 'cause we
got
the Zone, okay?
General Chang's not dead, he's frozen. And as soon as we find a cure
for
disruption, we're gonna thaw the General out and he's gonna be pretty
pissed off, you know why? Ever been to Rura Penthe? Well multiply that
by about 15 million times, that's how pissed off he's gonna be. I'm
gonna
get the General, and Kang, and Koloth and Kor and a keg of bloodwine
and fly off to the Gamma Quadrant ...
(Hey, you know, you really ARE a Klingon)
Why don't you just shut up and fight, maqoch?
[Chorus]
K-L-I-N-G-O-N
(Everybody!)
K-L-I-N-G-O-N
I'm a Klingon, and proud of it.
by Lt.Cmdr. K'Taarr vestai Z'Shek
